


Look At Me

by cadkitten



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dream Sex, Dreams, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 18:30:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13553118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: Whispers of his dream danced through his mind: barely breathed confessions, Andrew's quietyes, and Neil's mouth stretched full as he stared up at Andrew, as he watched him come undone. Desperate kisses, Andrew's body pressing Neil's against the wall, his thigh pressed tight to Neil's aching length and Neil's bare ability to hold himself still in the face of his own desire.





	Look At Me

**Author's Note:**

> Just got this idea in my head that Neil would feel super bad if he ever dreamed about fully having sex with Andrew before their relationship evolves to that point (if it ever would). He's so hard on himself and I'm so intimately familiar with panic attacks over bullshit reasons that it evolved into this.   
> Song[s]: "Nutshell" by Alice in Chains

Neil startled himself awake, a sharp gasp leaving his mouth. His hands were fisted in the sheets at his sides and his heart pounded in his chest. His thighs trembled and his cock strained. It'd been years since he'd woken on the verge like this, since he'd not felt like he had a choice in what his body was doing.

His head tipped back and he stared at the wall in the faint glow of his alarm clock, clenched his fingers tighter in an effort not to lose himself. Not here, not with Andrew curled up half a foot away. 

Whispers of his dream danced through his mind: barely breathed confessions, Andrew's quiet _yes_ , and Neil's mouth stretched full as he stared up at Andrew, as he watched him come undone. Desperate kisses, Andrew's body pressing Neil's against the wall, his thigh pressed tight to Neil's aching length and Neil's bare ability to hold himself still in the face of his own desire. The descent into something more, into two bodies tangled in Andrew's dark sheets, to pleasure unlike anything Neil had ever experienced, and on the heels of it, the blossoming pain in his chest, a tightness born of fear and anger. Fear that he'd done something wrong and anger that he hadn't stopped Andrew from doing something there was no possible way he truly wanted. 

The anguish bloomed anew in his chest and Neil sucked in an unsteady breath, his hands shaking as he sat up and forced himself to start the slow shuffle off the edge of the bed.

He heard Andrew's blade unsheathe a second before it was cold to his throat and Neil stilled, his entire body on edge now. Half of him screamed at him to run while the other half quietly informed him he'd fucked up and this was the price. 

The blade disappeared and he listened to Andrew sheathe it again, the shift of the mattress telling him Andrew was either laying back down or attempting to get up as well. He got his answer a second later when Andrew slipped off the bed and padded out of the room. Neil gave himself a moment before following, making sure to pause at the door and do his best to adjust away the evidence of how his body was still attempting to shame him for what he'd dreamed.

He closed the bedroom door behind him, leaving Aaron and Kevin safely behind it, and navigated his way into the main room. Andrew stood by the window, his cigarette pack in hand, but nothing extracted just yet, simply staring outside and Neil found himself hesitant to figure out where to go. He could follow Andrew, make sure he was okay after what had just happened, but that risked giving away his own shame in all of this. Or he could go to the bathroom and calm himself down, which also risked Andrew knowing exactly what had transpired. 

Another second's hesitation and Neil followed Andrew's path to the window, leaning against the wall at his side, head down and his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants. "Didn't mean to wake you."

Andrew said nothing, only tapped out two cigarettes and lit them both, holding one out until Neil took it from him.

Neil let his head rest against the wall, his eyes closed as he fought with himself on what to do, what was best to say and what should never be said. He'd told Andrew months ago that he'd always tell him the truth, but he still wasn't sure if that meant volunteering it or if it just meant he'd answer whatever questions were thrown his way honestly. There was a line somewhere as to what he was willing to bare and he knew it, just as he knew there were pieces of Andrew he'd probably never know. Things in both of their pasts that were better off left there.

He took a mouthful of smoke and held it, only turning to release it when the need to breathe burned at his lungs, letting it stream out into the night air. A little frown pulled at his lips and he knew he'd let too much show a second before Andrew spoke.

"Nightmare?"

Neil pulled a face, wobbled his head a little because the answer was both yes and no and ultimately difficult to explain. "Kind of."

Andrew only gestured for Neil to go on, not another word wasted as he continued to smoke his way through his cigarette, Neil just letting his burn down. It took time, deliberation, before he could come up with something to say; something truthful but not nearly as damning as the reality was. 

"It started off good. Really good, actually." He could feel Andrew's gaze on him, hard and steady, and despite the knowledge that his cheeks were flushed with his confession, he continued onward. "Woke myself up it was so good."

Andrew looked away and Neil kept his eyes on him, waited to see disgust or fear but found nothing instead. He remained silent, not asking pointless questions, knowing Neil would give him whatever he was going to and that would be enough.

Taking in a hitching breath, Neil closed his eyes, trying to smother the frown that tugged at his lips, the fear that gnawed in his gut and for an instant the desire was there to run again. Fleeting and easy to let go of, but still there. Fear nipping at his heels and urging him into doing _something_.

"My conscious mind knows part of it was directly the opposite."

"Bad."

He'd have laughed if it weren't so serious a topic. If he'd been even remembering something from childhood, something he couldn't change or had no connection to as Neil Josten, maybe he could have. As it was this was not a laughing matter.

His breath hitched and he instinctively made himself smaller - less of a threat - and offered, "The first parts were all what they should have been. Filled with yes and everything we've experienced. I just wish... it had stopped there, that there hadn't been anything else to dream after that."

They were quiet for a long time before the desk by the window creaked as Andrew settled against it. "It went further." Not a question.

Neil shifted uncomfortably and finally slid down the wall, wrapping his arms around his knees as the anxious feeling flared in his chest again. He fought his hands not to shake and squeezed his eyes shut against the look he was sure was on Andrew's face now. 

_Distrust_. 

It was his biggest fear in regards to Andrew. Losing the fragile thing they'd built between them due to one wrong step... it added itself up to something that felt crushing and horrible inside his heart and his mind. Like he knew he'd die if he lost him. Maybe not physically, but he'd built this - built Neil Josten - around this life and this was who he wanted to be more than anything. But if he lost Andrew...

His thoughts derailed as Andrew finally spoke up again. "How much further?"

Neil knew he should tap out, shouldn't say another word and just silently shake his head at Andrew's question, but he also didn't want to. He didn't want this hanging between them and if he had any prayer at all of redeeming himself for what he'd dreamed, then it would be like this. By telling the truth when he was asked.

"We had sex." He pushed his forehead against his knees and sighed. "Well, I blew you and then we had sex." The words felt like lead on his tongue, tasted acidic and he was certain if he'd been able to smell it, it would have come to him as rot and decay. The now-familiar anguish blossomed in his chest again and he had to move his hand to press it against his sternum, pushing down hard enough he winced as the ache increased the longer Andrew was silent. 

The clock in the kitchen ticked away the seconds until Neil wanted to scream, until his legs burned with the desire to make him leave here and call later and beg forgiveness. His lips felt like they were on fire and his head started to feel fuzzy. It was only then that he realized he wasn't breathing, that his hands were fisted in his own sweatpants and that every muscle in his body was tensed and ready for agony.

It took everything he had left to force himself to look up at Andrew, finding him placidly staring down at him, his face completely passive though his eyes were a darkened storm. More than he'd usually have let through. He gasped in the first breath, trembling violently as he forced himself to take another and then another. 

"You're having a panic attack." The words were simple, flat, as if Andrew had just told Neil he owed him five for the last pack of smokes. 

Neil shoved his face back down against his legs and tried to numb himself to whatever was happening. Another shudder ripped through him and he barely stifled the anguished cry that wanted to break free, instead shoved his nails against his palms and dug in, fighting desperately against the urge to get up and run away. _That_ had been panic for him his whole life. Running from whatever caused him this much pain. _This_ was different. Staying and facing it felt more like he was drowning. 

The table shifted again and then Andrew was kneeling by him. "Look at me."

Neil sucked in a breath and managed to force himself to look over at Andrew. He was holding a new cigarette out and Neil discovered he had no idea where his old one had gone. Maybe Andrew had taken it from him or maybe he'd smothered it in the carpet. He reached one trembling hand for the stick and when his hand brushed Andrew's as it gave a shake, he jerked back and barely managed to choke himself on the apology that came up. And yet... Andrew remained, his hand extended, the cigarette waiting on Neil until he tried again. This time he took it from him and sat up just enough to get it between his lips and actually take a drag off it. 

His hands still shook and his head still felt fuzzy, but by the time he was done with it and Andrew had taken the butt away, he felt a little less like the world was caving in. Looking up, he caught Andrew's gaze again and this time held it. "I hate myself for this."

"Panic is normal."

"Not _this_ ," Neil gestured to himself and the present situation, a quiet sigh leaving him. "For what I dreamed."

"You don't control your dreams. No one does."

"Some people do."

"Fuck those people." Andrew's words were filled with venom, angry and lashing and Neil wondered what about controlling a dream left Andrew's wounds so open and exposed. He didn't deserve to know the answer, so he didn't ask, only lowered his gaze to the floor and let it go.

Silence stretched into eternity until finally Andrew settled at his side. "Walk me through it."

Neil stared at the floor, uncertain if that was at all the right thing to do. "What if I-"

"What? What if you get aroused? Is that what you wanted to know?" Neil nodded and Andrew huffed an annoyed sound at him. "Then you do."

Something dark rolled over inside Neil and he tensed, shoving himself closer into his own space, as if he could preserve Andrew from whatever this was if only he didn't touch him. "I would never-"

"I _know_." 

Neil listened to the flick of Andrew's lighter and then another cigarette appeared in his line of vision and he tentatively reached out for it. This one he didn't smoke, only touched to his lips to keep it lit and then started to watch it burn.

It took a while to work up the words he needed, before he began the quiet confessional of his sins. "Some of it was like the past. How we kissed the first time, the way it felt the first time you went down on me. In my dream I wasn't upset like I am out of it. Everything was the same even keel, like all I had to do was ask and receive a yes and it would be okay. So I asked. I asked to blow you and you told me yes and so I did. Things... were all jumbled up, out of order of how they actually would occur I think?" He hesitated, but only for a second. "I think the last part was the last though. I asked for your consent and told you what I wanted and you gave me the only word I'd ever move forward on and so... I did."

When Neil's words petered out there, Andrew quietly prompted, "Did what?"

Neil pressed his lips into a thin line, shifted to reach up behind him and dust his ash on the windowsill, and then settled back into his own space, careful never to hedge into Andrew's as he moved. "Had sex."

"How?"

Anger was the first emotion to rear up inside Neil, leaving him wanting to lash out at having to describe something that had ripped him up so badly, but he squished it back down without anything more than a glower at the floor by his feet. Anxiety was fast on its heels and he weathered that one less efficiently, his hands trembling again and that radiating pain in his chest coming once more. Swallowing thickly, he closed his eyes and thumped his head lightly back against the wall. "I don't know how much detail you want."

"What are you willing to give?"

With a wince, Neil offered, "You were straddling me. I was," his voice froze in his throat and he narrowly avoided strangling himself on whatever horrible noise had been about to leave him. Pain wrenched in his chest and he almost doubled over with it. Instead, he forced his breath to come again and gritted his teeth until he could force the words out. "-Inside you."

He'd expected something. Pain, yelling, Andrew getting up to leave and maybe never coming back again. He'd expected all of that, but never this.

"I said yes." Again, not a question, but a reminder. As if that resolved everything. 

When Neil didn't answer, didn't move or so much as breathe, Andrew prompted him again. "You asked and I said yes. Right?"

Neil nodded numbly, his eyes opening as he stared at Andrew's still passive face. 

"Say it."

"You said yes."

"Then where's the problem?"

"I... we... I should never," Neil choked himself off and crushed in on himself as much as he could, feeling small and horrible right then. "I should never have wanted it at all. I shouldn't have asked, I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have-"

"Stop."

New pain flared in Neil's chest, sliding down his arms and he felt like his breath wasn't going to come again for a moment. 

"This is pointless. I said yes. I didn't say no and you didn't coerce me into a yes. You bluntly asked - just like you always do - and I said yes. Am I correct?"

"Yes." The word came out small, more like a plea than a statement and Neil shied away from it inside his mind. 

"Yes is not maybe, just as no is not maybe. If I told you yes, then I meant it, which means in your dream, I wanted what happened. Let it go."

Andrew reached down and stole the cigarette from Neil's trembling hand. He crushed it out on the windowsill and left the butt there. A few shuffling movements and then Andrew was kneeling beside him again. "Look at me." He did and Andrew studied him carefully. "I've chosen to trust you with the power of those two words. Yes and no. You've never broken that trust, not once. Not when you were drunk and not even when you're asleep. You just confessed to me that your own fantasies about me involve my very explicit consent. Think about that."

Neil forced his breathing to mirror Andrew's, a little rapid, but nothing to be concerned about, less frantic than his own had been rocketing toward. 

"Stop blaming yourself for a fantasy. So some part of you wants that. Do you see me running?"

"Would you ever?" The words were out before he could stop them and Neil regretted them immediately. 

"Yes." Andrew didn't volunteer any reasons or anything further to it, but the truth of it was there, hanging between them. Neil nodded and Andrew rolled his eyes. "That, right there. You accepted my word without hesitation. If I'd told you no, you would have done the same. Am I getting through to you?"

Neil nodded again, this time forcing himself to try to relax. He wasn't wrong about how it would have affected him, his cock was still aching between his legs and his body was still tense, though it was less like he wanted to run and more like he was trying to hold very still. "Yes, you are."

Andrew sat back on his heels. "Kiss me. Yes or no?"

Neil's gaze darted up to him, over his lips, and then to his eyes, knew fear was reading like an open book in his own. "I... yes."

When Andrew didn't move, Neil realized he'd been told to kiss Andrew, not that Andrew would kiss him and it instantly made sense. He wanted it and he wanted Neil to understand in a more physical sense that he still held the control he was afraid he'd lost somewhere in his dream. Neil leaned toward him and Andrew held still, watching until their lips met and only then closing his eyes under the tender kiss. Neil kept his open, kept his fingers curled and his hands where they were. His arousal spiked and he gasped softly against Andrew's lips, suddenly almost desperate to go finish himself off. 

Neil's body lit on fire and immediately he pulled back, staring at Andrew and knowing how wild his eyes must look. 

"Could you stand not touching me right now if I offered to help you?"

He debated it for a moment and then shook his head. His control wasn't iron like he wanted it to be. He wanted to hold Andrew, wanted to crush them together and exist as close as he could to him. He wanted to feel the rare heat of Andrew's clothed cock pressed against his hip and-

His head thumped against the wall, his eyelids squeezing closed. He was right there, right on the cusp again, and his toes curled in the carpet, his thighs straining, trembling as he fought not to arch.

"Show me how you take care of it yourself. Yes or no?"

Neil's breath sucked in and he managed a choked, "Are you sure?"

"You haven't answered."

"Yes! But... are you sure?" He forced his eyes open and turned to look at Andrew, at the flicker of arousal he could read in the depths of his eyes and the same familiar passive look on his face. 

"Yes."

Just like that, everything unfurled in his belly and he didn't hesitate - couldn't have hesitated if he'd wanted to - as he shoved his sweatpants down just enough to bare himself. His fingers wrapped around his overheated flesh and it only took a few quick flicks of his wrist before he was arching and choking on his own moans as he came undone. Thick spurts of his cum landed over his hand, little strained sounds leaving his lips as he kept pumping until he couldn't stand it anymore. Only then did he let go and arch up as much as he could, shoulders digging into the wall. He whined, low and thin, before he dropped back down and sat there panting for his breath, too afraid to look at what Andrew's reaction was.

"Look at me."

Swallowing against the dryness in his mouth, Neil looked to Andrew, studied the way his pupils were blown, the way his entire being radiated arousal, and it was only then that he realized Andrew's hand wasn't still inside his pants. He wasn't doing anything quickly, but he also wasn't being slow about it. Neil didn't let his gaze linger there, knew it would only make Andrew uncomfortable and instead let himself lean a little bit closer. "Kiss you. Yes or no?"

Andrew nodded, but Neil still hesitated until Andrew managed a half-gasped, "Yes," his movements increasing in speed, the line of his shoulders telling Neil he was close. Their lips met and he felt like Andrew was devouring him. He reveled in it, enjoyed every single instant of Andrew's tongue in his mouth, of his lips pressed hard and then soft against his own, of panted breaths gasping between them, and then Andrew tensed and shuddered and Neil couldn't stop the moan that freed itself into Andrew's mouth.

Andrew kissed him hard again before pulling away, slowly extracting his hand from his pants and Neil caught the sheen of the evidence of Andrew's actions in the moonlight. 

Standing up, Andrew left the room, only to return a few moments later with a wet cloth. He dropped it unceremoniously on the floor next to Neil and simply stared at the wall while Neil cleaned up. 

When Neil finally started to struggle to his feet, Andrew spoke again. "Don't ever underestimate yourself or me again."

Something unwound itself in his chest and he watched as Andrew turned and headed back down the hallway. He heard his steps pause and then, "Josten? One hundred and eight." 

Neil sagged against the wall and smiled at the sound of Andrew letting himself back into the bedroom, let his head rest against the wall and his eyes close. Andrew was right. In his fear and panic he'd underestimated both of them. He'd assumed yes hadn't actually meant yes, had thought the worst of himself, and had failed to consider that they'd never broken that boundary and never would. He'd never touch Andrew if it wasn't a yes and Andrew would never tell him it was when it wasn't. 

Pushing away from the wall, Neil padded after Andrew, slipping into the bedroom and then back into their shared bed without that foreign quiver in his stomach. This was it. This was everything.


End file.
